Thursday, August 13, 2009

HAR HAR HAR

I give myself two days of eating normally. Told myself I wouldn't feel guilty. I didn't. But then the second something goes wrong, I have a fucking panic attack, because I took away my security blanket. Because I can't handle anything without Ana. So it turns into one day of eating normally, one day of eating breakfast and nothing else, and five days of nothing and liquid calories only in emergencies. I acted like a bitch to my two best friends and they just think I'm a bitch and have no idea that even though tonight should be one of the best nights of my life, I seriously just want to spend the night in bed. Let everyone else go out and have fun. That's not my place. I don't deserve that. I don't belong in there. I belong in a room full of empty bellies, not a room full of smiling faces.

And no one wants to hang out with a fat, ugly, depressive bitch.
I always fuck up my friendships. Fuck it.
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5 comments:

  1. morg-anaAugust 13, 2009 at 3:57 PM

    i know how it is to try to live without ana. it feels so wrong. and as far as screwing up friendships go, you are so not the only one. i do everything to make it great and then i screw it up and try to fix it and make it worse.. but you always have ana. ana can't get mad and leave you. stay strong, you'll find someone who will put up with anything you throw at them. :)

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  2. MeAugust 13, 2009 at 4:05 PM

    My BFF called my THERAPIST Monday. I'm so mad at her. She doesn't understand that I need Ana just to be able to function right now. Sunday I was a mess. Monday Ana found me again and I'm strong.

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  3. Ana's GirlAugust 13, 2009 at 11:15 PM

    You've got at least one friend right here that you're not going to lose. I'll join you in the empty-belly room, forget the happy party place.

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  4. AnonymousAugust 14, 2009 at 2:52 AM

    Friends forgive :) give it time. I had a huge fall out with one the other day and it was sorted out in a few hours, just by talking openly with each other. An argument doesn't make you a bad person. Tomorrow's a new day. Good luck.

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  5. AnonymousAugust 14, 2009 at 4:09 AM

    Thank you for the comment too, btw. "Little bitch" was good to hear :) except he's really fucking fat now, so fuck him even more ^___^

    ReplyDelete

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