I don't know why!
UGHHHH!
--
EDIT.
I want to kill myself right now.
I haven't been this depressed all summer.
I'm seriously not right in the head when I eat 30 calories and I'm depressed over it.
I'm only happy when I'm losing weight and it's not fucking happening.
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING THIS SUMMER.
I haven't hung out with my friends for real. Not once.
The only thing that I have in my life right now is losing weight.
And I can't even fucking do that anymore.
And I can't even fucking do that anymore.
I seriously just want to lie in bed and cry all day.
But I have a lot of excercising to do.
I'm seriously about to just confess everything to someone IRL
I can't fucking do this.
Even if eating will help my metabolism and make me lose weight, I don't want to do it.
I'm depressed with out it but I'm even more depressed with it.
NO MORE FUCKING RITUALS
I'm not letting myself have them anymore
because Im fucking sick of being crazy
im fucknig sick of having anxiety LITERALLY whenever anyone even TALKS about consuming a number of calories in a day that isn't either 300,600,or900
i dont know why it all has to be divisible by 300
i'm blacking out all the time
im getting addicted to it
im getting headaches, i dont give ashit
i just want to lose weight
but i dont want to eat
but if I dont eat
i dont lose weight.
whatever happened to the old me that was perfectly content with losing a half a lb a day?
last night i convinced myself that once i hit my first goal weight i would let myself ease back into a 'healthy' 600 calories a day
how fucking sick am i if i think 600 calories is healthy?
it seems like so fucking much
i dont know how anyone eats that much.
im always going to be fucking ugly, fucking fat
i only have two fucking friends
and im so deep into all this weird shit i do to myself that i have no hope of making new ones.
its weird because ive type so much and im not conveying even 1% of what im feeling.
i haven't been really depressed all summer, but i've been suicidal the majority of my life since i was 11. im seriously not cut out for life. i have so much to fucking offer but no one gives enough of a shit what i have to say for it to make a difference. my best friend has a million reasons not to hang out with me.
i cope by not eating because loseing weight never DOESNT make me happy
but when the coping isn't making me happy
well i just dont know what the fuck to do
this post is so whiny and angsty and ugghhh
i only got about an hour of sleep last night
i think my bed smells like the alcohol that my sister's best friend had on her when she came home and i was out of a bed. ic ant sleep on alcohol
i jsut want to go to sleep and get this day over with, why the fuck did i fucking eattttt???
this isnt meaning anything anymore.
Aww. Water weight, love. Try measuring your loss through inches instead of pounds and see how that works for you.
ReplyDeleteDo what you think you gotta go.
ReplyDeleteI dont lose on fasting either. So I don't.
But if you dont like this anymore, seek someone to help you, love.
<3
You can change your mind about the cal intake, that's fine. Sometimes I need a "normal" (umm, not 1500 cal, but not 600 either--someplace in between) day to get myself motivated again. Try shopping or putting a puzzle together--something ultra constructive and time consuming. That can help too. :)
ReplyDeleteRearrange your room! I am in the process of doing that at the time being....
Ana's Girl is totally right about the water weight thing. Bodies can be so confusing. They totally lie about their weight. Swear. If you really are fasting.. like for more than three days, your body switches to burning ketones from fat. So, if you go for more than three days without eating your body will be directly burning off fat. It's amazing. You will definitely be losing not just weight, but actually fat.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is though, I've weighed myself at different times throughout the day, when I was fasting, not even drinking water, and still gained weight! What the hell! I don't know how it happens, but it does. Definitely try the tape measure, or just make yourself weigh once a week. Every day.. or every hour as we sometimes do, will definitely make you crazy.
I hope this information is at all helpful and I hope you'll feel better soon.
<3 Eva
I apparently am at a stalemate as well. It's horrible, because it feels like you're not going anywhere, and when losing weight is your activity, and you're not even doing that right... like what the fuck! :(
ReplyDeleteJust remember we all are here for you. We may not be there in RL for you, but we are here to support and listen, and we do care.
Bodies react differently to change. Have you checked out those shirataki noodles I talk about in a post a while ago? They are absolutely zero cal, zero fat, zero everything (just find the right kind, because some will have calories or fat, etc.) I have just started eating them... and I'm hoping it will fool my body into thinking that I'm eating something, when I'm really not.
I also understand what you mean, when you said, "I'm seriously not cut out for life". I have thought the exact same thing soooo many times. Wondering if people would even give a two cents if I died, probably not. Well their loss! You are so frickin amazing, and strong. I know you'll get past this hump.
xxx