I just spent about 45 laborious minutes getting through a tiny bagel with two slices of vegan lunch meat. (I cut the bagel from two slices into four, so it was two mini sandwiches!) 120 calorie dinner. And you know what? I stayed in control. The whole time. I made the sandwiches, turned away from them. Poured myself water. Left the room. Came back. Washed my hands. Brought the plate to my room. Counted to 100, studied the food in front of me, thought about it deeply. Bite. Sip. Bite. Sip. Break. Change channel. Bite. Sip. Go to the kitchen to get more water. Just put the plate down. I made myself stop and count 10 deep breaths if I ever felt like I wanted it too badly. I stared at the food until I was indifferent to it. I took the tiniest of tiny bites. I wasn't allowed to bite if I felt any amount of control slip from my finger tips, I had to regain my collection, my control, my indifference before I could put IT into my mouth. And that's how I have to eat from now on. I have to keep control while I eat, in order to maintain my control when I'm trying not to eat.
Today: 800 calories. Okay. I actually ate really terrible food today, so what I actually ate will be a secret, but at least it was considerably within where I wanted it. (Not exactly sure where I wanted it.) I'm going back to school tomorrow even with this rattling cough. And I'm going back to work. I have some AP Theory homework to try to do before going to sleep, early, because I'm absolutely exhausted right now, but I think my medicine is keeping me up.
I'm trying so hard to find joy in all of this right now. I need to.
your self-control is amazing. seriously, do you have any idea how awesome you are? i'm like in awe of you.
ReplyDeletei hope you feel better, lovely!
It is astounding that someone so seemingly intelligent can be sooooo stupid about nutrition.
ReplyDeleteIf a young woman eats 1500 calories per day everyday the most weight she can maintain is 95 - 100 pounds.
Eating 800 calories a day is fucking nuts.
Well done!! now THAT is control if i ever heard of it :)
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to follow your words like the holy bible of control. I can't continue binging like i do and you sound so in control here. i want that! (Ok ok, so i'm a little bit jealous of you, so what?)
ReplyDeleteReal men like women with soft round curves.
ReplyDeleteBONES ARE FOR DOGS!
OK, I'm not a super macho he-man. I'm just a soft and weak obese little wimp.
A girl scout could beat me at arm wrestling and kick my fat ass around the block just for drill, and I would probably like it!
But even still, I'm a guy who prefers women with soft round curves and not a soda straw wrapped in a small piece of cloth.
Oh well!
To each his/her own.
Bingeing is normal behavior. The problem comes down to food choices. Binge on veggies and you cannot get fat. Eat a fucking head of cabbage when you feel like bingeing and you might net 100 calories if you could even eat the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteYou girls are fat girls who puke. You ea for flavor. You starve so your brain tells you to binge. You puke so you have nutritional deficiencies and that makes you binge.
Grow up and stop being so egoistic. You want to look good but even if your insanity made you look hot no man would want to deal with all the shit that is between your ears no matter how hot that little piece of fur between your legs is.