Eating is a form of self-injury incomparable to others.

Because cutting brings me relief; starving makes me ecstatic.

But eating is the only pure form of self-injury for me... it brings no relief, it's a simply, 100% absolute bad. And I don't mean eating within restriction or only eating for energy. I mean unnecessary eating, binging, eating just to piss myself off. The feeling of food going into my mouth doesn't make me feel good. The feeling of it in my stomach doesn't feel good. The "relief" from hunger isn't a relief at all, in fact it's just the opposite.

So why do I do it? I was feeling beautiful in my cloud of hunger and emptiness. I thought, maybe today I'll be successful. And that was such a good feeling. But then I just ate pasta, pasta, pasta. My stomach hurts, and I feel horrible because tomorrow once again, I'll see a weight either the same or more. It's been going on like this almost constantly for so long.

Goddamnit sometimes I think I have two competing eating disorders going on in my head simultaneously.

Here's me being logical: I'm assuming the reason I eat is to dissipate the craving. So what do I need to do? Learn to love the craving. Embrace it. Don't try and get rid of it. Keep it, revere it, bathe in its selfish, disgusting glory. But don't eat to satisfy it. The satisfaction will come in the craving itself. This might sound dumb, but I think it's pretty genius. I mean, I've taught myself to love hunger, and I no longer eat to satisfy hunger. If I teach myself to love cravings (to crave cravings, you might say, teehee) then logically I will no longer eat to satisfy cravings.

SOMETIMES THINKING HELPS ME DRAW CONCLUSIONS WOOHOO! Maybe this conclusion will work out for me.