I apologize

For the nature of what I'm about to write. Haha.

Anyway, there's one good thing about eating a lot. When you eat enough, the food actually, y'know, comes out. Yeah. Lately I've been having the bowel movements of a 90 year old. Yesterday, whilst drenched in utmost failure, really did help me. I think I knew that if I ate a lot I would 'pass' it so that's why I let myself eat so much. Bah. Anyway, I know this is all TMI, but my stomache feels way better. Plus, my metabolism is probably way up because I must have eaten like 6 small meals yesterday.

The only thing that's concerning about the uh, problem I'm having, that if you look up negative side effects of self-starvation, it's one of them. It's one that I didn't even know about. Like I expected my skin to be dry, and that wasn't a big deal, because my skin does go through stages of being dry (so I can't say that I even contribute it to that), I figured my hair might get weak (guess who basically has broken the drain in the shower... good thing is my hair doesn't seem to be actually thinning at all. Go figure. I guess I have a lot to spare) but this? This just sucks. Especially because when I get on the scale I might be able to weight like, a little bit less, but the things I do eat just sit in my stomach for days.

But enough about that. Today I already failed! You know how pizza is the devil? Well it's the devil. There was this ridiculous vegetable pizza sitting on the fucking counter when I wake up! So I ate the equivalent of half a slice (who am I kidding? It was probably a full slice) so my liquid fast is going to start... now! After a lack of communication, 3 entire watermelons ended up at my house, so I'll make some watermelon juice. Not sure how to do that. I guess I'll get the blender out.

I can't look back on yesterday too horribly because I'm down another 2 lbs. Strange. I think my body is so happy to get the old scale back that it's just throwing the fat off of itself in glee. Heh. So I've officially lost 30 lbs in 2 months. Apparently that's dangerous to your health, but I don't feel all that bad. So I lost 15 lbs in both June and in July, and that was with MAJOR slip-ups, so maybe if I do really well in August I could lose 20 lbs. High hopes, I know. Another 15 would be marvelous. But 20 would be much, much better.

If I don't walk into school on the first day and have people say "OMG WHAT HAPPENED YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!" (or at least, "Hey, you look good." or "Hey, you lost weight, didn't you?") I'm going to shoot myself. I think those 20 lbs would make it so obvious, right? Because after 30 lbs, either no one notices, or people are mad that I've lost weight so quickly and they're being stubborn and not "enabling" me. Bahh.

I once knew a girl that ate nothing but cereal for months and months and lost a crapton of weight. Now, I really, really can't stand this girl but is it weird that last night I was longing for her friendship, just because she's the only one that would encourage me to do all the crazy shit I do? I just want to hear someone's voice telling me to keep starving.