Feeling better!

Thanks for the nice comments on my last post! It was nice to come home to. I decided I need to work really hard to stop chewing/spitting... and I can't switch to bingeing/purging, either. I need to completely rid myself of excess. When I start to do stuff like that this starts to feel less like self-improvement and more like a problem. When I compare my moods between tonight and last night... chewing/spitting made me feel awful, and my liquid fast is making me feel on top of the world!

I had an amazing night, by the way. My liquid fast was perfect. I went to a show and it was perfect. I met so many sweet people tonight! I'm just in awe that not a single significant thing went wrong today. It's been a seriously long time since I've had a day like this! I did, however, come home covered in blood. Not mine. I don't know who's and I don't know how it got there. ...? Well, I danced a ton and sweat more than I think I've ever sweat in my life, a guy called me pretty, and the shirt I was wearing was too big. That's a terrfic night. : )

I think my city is the best thinspiration ever. Honestly, I've never been to a city with so many attractive people. I can't even explain to you how many gorgeous boys there are in my town. Like, exceedingly, unbelievable, overwhelmingly gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous where sometimes when they talk to you you're so taken aback by how beautiful they are and you're just like "Huhhh??? What?" and then giggle a giggle that gets you made fun of for the rest of your life... then again I'm the type of person who finds something attractive in anyone... anyway, the best part of these gorgeous boys is that they also tend to be the sweetest boys, too. I'm rambling! anyway... So many pretty boys, and pretty girls, and I want to be one of them! I will be, one day.

If you all haven't realized by now, I'm pathetically into boys. Just really into them. I love them. I'm probably annoying about them. I think I'm just obsessed with the idea of people in general, y'know? I like to think about how they think, and how they are, and why they are the way they are... hmm... But on to more important things... so I didn't really want to post this, because I'm not sure about it... I finally weighed myself, on another scale. It's my mom's scale, and I don't really like it. First of all, it's not digital, and also, I just don't like switching scales because it might give me a number that's off. BUT... if this scale is corect, I've lost another 10 lbs since June 27th... this even includes the 5-day vacation where I probably ended up averaging like 3500 calories a day... Of course I wish I had lost more but I think this is pretty good. That's 20 lbs since like, the middle of May! And I've only started really closely restricting a few weeks ago, so if I keep this up, it should be great.

Hopefully I'll end up getting batteries for the digital scale soon, so I can see if it's really accurate. But for now, my 'new' weight is what I'll go off of to see my progress. Also! I looked at my driving permit (yeah I'm a loser and I don't have my license yet...) and looked at the weight, and I weight less than I did when I got my permit. That was in March of 9th grade. Now I'm a senior. Yippee! (I weighed like, the exact same then that I did in May of this year, but that's still really cool that I weigh less than I did when I was 15.)

My first memory of my weight, I was 93 lbs. I'm not sure how old I was then, but I was young. And I was always bigger than the kids in my grade. And they took our fucking weights at school on 'fitness day' or whatever. That day still haunts me. For once in my life I want to be 92 lbs so I can conquer that memory. The only thing is that I know it would be really unhealthy to try to get that low. I just want to be vindicated, and to erase every memory of my weight since 93 lbs that has eaten away at my mind. Just for one day, I want to be 92 lbs. Then I will have won. Either way, that wouldn't happen for a longggg time. I guess I'll see when I get closer. It's more of a pipe dream, if anything. But it would be a bigger victory than I can even imagine.

Tomorrow I might do another liquid fast. I've only done two, and both times they were amazing. On Friday I'm going to this thing called Warped Tour (IDK how many people are from the states on here that might know about it, but it's just like this big travelling festival.) That day will be 9 hours in the sun. I'm not even going to worry about calories that day, because I just can't. I've looked forward to it all year every year since I was 11, and I can't sacrifice the best day of my summer on getting sun sick because I haven't eaten. But seriously, it's such a rough day that no matter what I do I'm not going to gain from that day. And I've never been to a single Warped Tour where I've actually been able to eat food during or after it, so I'll probably just end up eating a protein-full breakfast and drink Gatorade throughout the day.

I'm so sorry this post was so long! And so much rambling, too! I'm just so stoked on life right now. : ) Haha. I hope everyone else had a fanastic day.