Just describe the sky to me.

I have never wished for weakness. I have never wished for controlling parents. Today, that changed. My fast yesterday was successful, and so far I've met my 100 calorie limit. I'm weak, tired, and sad. Sad because I just want to taste a taste that will make my tongue happy, thus making my mind happy, in the child-like, nostalgic way, reminiscent of when I used to eat what I wanted to. For the past four hours, I have been wishing that my Body and my Mind would have an argument, my body says "Fuck you, Mind," and leads me straight to the kitchen and head-on into a major, shameful (yet completely delicious) binge. Who wises for a binge, like seriously? If I just decide to eat, even if it's just 50 calories, I still will have decided to go over my calorie limit, which would just make me a jackass. But if I had an uncontrollable binge I could blame it on, "Oh, my body needs the nutrition and was acting without my mind's consent." That same old line. Fortunately (unfortunately) it's my mind wanting the food more than my body, meaning I probably am not going to binge. I JUST NEED TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE PEANUT BUTTER, ALRIGHT? Fa sho'.

My parents are going to my favorite Mexican restaurant. They invited me to go. I declined, "It will give me a stomach ache!" Really? You really don't want to go? We're going right home afterwards, and it's just with us, come on, let's go. "I really don't want to get a stomach ache." Oh, ok. They accept. I wish I wish I wish I wish I WISH THEY HAD FORCED ME. Then I wouldn't have had to feel this guilty about wanting it so bad.

I would totally give up my "no diet soda" thing right now if only we had some. That would make me feel all better. To make matters worse, I'm dehydrated and water for some reason isn't seeming to help. To make matters worse worse worse, I haven't really lost weight the last 2-3 days. I'm afraid I'm plateauing already.

But, today was amazing. In Lit, my essay got chosen as one of the best in the class, in Piano, I finally played a song perfectly for my teacher, in AP Theory, I think I KICKED SOME ASS on my first test, and I got a 100 on my first AP US quiz. I think I failed the second one we got today, but my teacher curves grades, and I'm pretty sure most people failed worse than me. Today was just so, so good. It would have been perfect had I gotten off my fat butt to do some damn excercise, but I ended up sleeping until 7:30 when I got home.

I have a funny anecdote! Right when I got out of school, my sister calls me from work and is like GUESS WHO JUST WALKED IN! And I'm like, omg, Anderson Cooper? Swoooon! But no, it's not him. It was the twin anorexics from Intervention. WHUTTT? How crazy! I'm wondering if they moved here, one of them was into art, right? There's an art school year that a bunch of unfortunate, unwitting saps go to before they realize that it's not a respected school on the large scale and costs way too much money, then they all end up transferring to the afformentioned Shitty Local College and end up doing hobby crafts in their art program. I'M SUCH A BITCH I NEED TO STOP. Anyway, that was pretty cool that she saw them.

Also, I have yet to mention my weird obsession with finding girls with eating disorders at my school. Possibilities: (assigning random letters for their names, remember this if I talk about them, which I most likely won't)

• A. My friend told me that A was "basically anorexic" last year, but coming from her, I don't know how much that means. I'm skeptical. She's definitely lost some weight, not a lot, but some.
• B just keeps getting thinner and thinner. Not to mention she has perfect hair, skin, and face. I sit with her at lunch and she eats real sandwhiches, and I sit there completely jealous that I can see the ribs in her chest. A picture of her from prom could absolutely shatter any other thinspo picture on the net. She was chubby up until 7th grade, and has gotten progressively skinnier.
• C. She's probably the thinnest girl I know, and last year she was lying on the choir room floor with her damn hip bones sticking out, pointing out exactly where she was fat.
• D. She's just really damn skinny and seems extremely pleased when she has a reason not to eat lunch.
• E. This girl, she's perfect. E has a tiny frame with no fat on it. But, as far as I know, it's at least somewhat natural. But you never know, I think she's definitely gotten skinnier over the past year. Her legs are just appallingly perfect.
  
• F. She, too, might just be naturally skinny, but holy shit, she has such a thigh gap and she's pigeon toed so when she walks you can see her knees touch (but not her thighs!) with every step. Geeeez.

And that's all I have so far, I think. I'm pathetic. I think a lot of girls at my school are just naturally super-skinny.