-5.6

This morning I woke up feeling like I was dying. My hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, and half of my vision goes black every time I stand up. Conclusion: fuck ABC for today. I immediately ate all 200 of my calories: 10 saltines, a cup of natural strawberry applesauce, a pinch of chopped walnuts. The walnuts probably actually put me over, but who the fuck cares. My body truly, legitimately, needs food. I've been a good little ABC puppet for the last few days, and for today, I am choosing to break it. I'm not losing control, I'm not being weak, I'm being smart.

Feeling a bit better and with a belly full of food, I step on the scale. How the fuck did I lose 5.6lbs since yesterday? Granted, I weighed in the afternoon yesterday, and my period finally ended so both of those factors have something to do with it. I know losing a lb a day isn't healthy, but my joy usually outweighs my logic when that happens. 2lbs a day, I'm further overjoyed. 3lbs is great every once in a while, but 5.6lbs? I just know that that is NOT okay. I weighed myself 6 times, and wouldn't you know, that same number came up.

Day 12 of ABC, I've lost 9.6lbs. I am happy about that.

So food-wise for the rest of the day I'm just going to feel it out. If I feel like I really need food I'll eat it. If my mom offers to take me for sushi, then goddamnit I'll accept. I don't like feeling this sick, and if I give myself a day "off" of being sick, well, then I'm not really sick, am I?

--Update--

EATING FAIL. My body completely rejected that food, ruining my day and any chance of going to an All-State workshop today that would have been really fun. But of course, like the jerk that I am, once my stomach settled I just stuffed more in it in the form of pretzels and veggie crumbles and more things that I don't want to think about. Today has become a binge day, which sucks. But I've been eating pretty healthy--nutrition-wise, not calorie wise--and after today I should have a surplus of nutrients in my body that will carry me through next week. Do you know how I make up scientific facts to make myself feel better? Yeah, like that one.

I don't want to weigh myself tomorrow, but I'm going to anyway. I need to own up to eating more than I even needed to. If I gain anything less than 2lbs I'll be happy. And it'll be mostly water weight anyway. Ickkk.

Also, turns out I'm still on my period so I can't blame the big weight loss on that anyway. So maybe I've actually lost more this week, but my period is making me retain water, so when it finally does stop (tomorrow or the next day) losing the water weight should kind of even out whatever I gain from today? IDK, just trying to ease the anxiety that I didn't think I would have today. : (

This has been such a weird couple of days.

--Another Update because I have too much unimporant shit to say--

How about I was setting goal weights for myself, messing around on a BMI calculator, and what the fuck, for my height I'd be underweight at 121 pounds. This really fucks with my UGW's, because I don't want to be at a point of underweight that I can't keep up without getting really sick. Right now I'm just going to aim 121, and if I'm okay with that, I'll go down to 115 (just to be safe if/when my weight fluctuates) and then try to find a calorie number that keeps me stable. But I have a very long way to go before I even have to worry about that! Have I ever mentioned how disgustingly fat I am? Damnit. So far I have GW1 and GW2 set, and when I meet GW2 I've decided that my two 'presents' to myself are 1) Finally being able to admit my weight on Blogger and 2) I'm allowed to confide in one friend (ONE) about everything. GW3 is 121. I kind of like putting it like that, like I only have 3 more GW's to meet before I'm thin-ish.

Also I realize that I have yet to post a picture of my kitten! My camera isn't working right now so I'll describe her to you: Her name is Jackie. (My sister named her after Michael Jackson and Jackie from Roseanne.) She's black and white, and has grey eyes that look a little bit green. Her back legs are longer than they should be so she kind of does somersaults all the time. She eats a lot, somehow already knows how to use a litter box (a skill that all three of my full-grown cats seem to not have grasped) and she's a fucking TERROR! She scratched my nose and now I have an ugly cut on it. : ( But she's really sweet sometimes and some days I'll wake up and she's sleeping on me and it's such a nice surprise! : )

I'll try to post a picture later.