Today I have orientation for a job today, it's 2-4, which is the hardest part of the day for me to not eat, so that's good. I'm not going to eat anything before I go, then afterwards I'll have a soup.
The next two weeks are going to be similar to Friday. I'm going to either refuse or pretend to eat breakfast, get rid of the lunch I packed to someone at school (even if that someone is a trash can), then when I come home, I'll drink some type of caloric drink to replenish my energy, get my homework done, then have a soup for dinner.
I might start working next week though, and on days I work, breakfast and lunch will be the same, before work will just be eating whatever my mom brings me, then come home at 9PM, fake dinner, go to sleep.
Do you know why I binge? I realize why. It's a deep, subconscious fear. I feared that I wouldn't have enough soup to last me until Monday so that I couldn't eat soup that day, so I had to eat solid food, and it spiraled. I feared that my family will catch on, so I ate to eat in front of them, and in spiraled. My binges start out completely logically and then turn pathetic. But I'm not going to be afraid anymore. Nobody can force me to eat. And goddamnit, I've never done anything seriously wrong to piss of my parents anyway, so why would this one thing be a big deal? I'm a good kid, they don't need to complain about my eating habits.
So I'm going to go weigh myself even though my mom is in the room with the scale. (Who decided to put it in the kitchen, anyway?) I've been drinking water but not enough to change my weight. My hair is heavy from my shower but that's not enough. And I'm going to track my weight--no pretending it's "water weight" just because I don't like the number.
Determination is going to be your best friend, and I know you can do it!
ReplyDeletestay strong & possitive! x
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